I was born early in the morning, on the brink of a brand new day, emerging as the yin became yang. I was on time, yet underdeveloped due to a chromosomal disorder. In addition, my mother had lost my elder brother during the third month of pregnancy which doubled the impact of the chromosomal disorder. Despite being underweight and my mother having no milk due to the trauma she was still involved in; there were no incubators available and the hospital had run out of formula. So I was put on cow’s milk instead. Everyone thought I was doing wonderfully well, not realizing that the cow’s milk was creating a cow’s metabolism in this underdeveloped metabolism (which doesn’t fully mature until between the ages of two–three). This would cause lots of issues later on. I slept well from day one; I put on weight right away; I was quiet and non-intrusive. Everyone thought I was a wonderful anecdote to my mother’s loss. She would come in, in the middle of the night; pick me up; and use me to soothe her pain. It set up my life purpose. I was always told I was a psychologist long before I became a psychologist. At the age of about 4, I would spend a huge amount of time sitting on the foot of my bed, knowing that I should be able to move through the wall –not understanding why; but trying to figure out. Today, I understand why, but have no idea how to achieve it. At the age of 4 my “shining knight in white armor” fell off his horse –my dad got lost in the fog on the way out to what would be our new summer house, we were renting it for the Thanksgiving weekend. I told he was making the wrong turn –I was in effect told to shut up, the problem was, I was right. My Dad was wrong.

Lesson: My words didn’t count. My Dad could be wrong –which was worse.
At the age of 5, my father wondered if I needed a psychologist because I would sit in front of the hall mirror and practice different emotions. I would act them out to see how they felt in my body.
Lesson: As opposed to the emotional repression my parents engaged in, I learned to develop a healthy connection with my emotions.
My uncle, who lived across the street got lung cancer from smoking. But he spent his last few weeks at home. I would walk across daily and hold his cigarette for him to take a few puffs before he coughed and went back to sleep –didn’t realize at the time that it was the cigarettes that caused the cancer.
Lesson: Was it the first or second lesson in dying?
Alas, came school, it was wonderful… so much to learn… but I came out as the class idiot. I thought because Cs were higher than As and Bs, that must make me smarter –it turned out it made me even “dummer” just for thinking that. After much harassment, I vowed I would never be called stupid again.
Lesson: Friends can be very hurtful.
My first B came in grade three with arithmetic –I loved it. Numbers made sense… they were fascinating. Throughout school, however, my top marks were always in English. It took me to grade seven to get straight As –finally!!!
Lesson: Determination could change your marks. You don’t always get the top marks in the courses you like –which means that passion doesn’t equate to marks
During grade one and two I learned another important lesson. In grade one at Janet’s birthday party –all the girls were identified for one characteristic and the rest of the girls sang “For she’s a jolly good fellow” about each gal for the chosen characteristic. I was thrilled –I was the pretty one and I knew how important that would be to my mother. But when I rushed home to tell her, her response was that it was Janet’s party and I should have let that be about Janet! I was horribly disappointed. The next year, at MY birthday party, the girls did the same thing. And again I was chosen as the pretty one. I couldn’t wait till after the party to tell my mom. Her response was: It was your party, you should have made it about everyone else.
Lesson: I didn’t count –ever.
As we progressed through the grades, there was an interesting side step… one of my mother’s favorite phrases was “God gave you a brain, try using it”. It used to hurt so much when she made that comment. The message to me was that I was dumb. But in grade five, I got angry and I wanted to know the answer. So I went to my teacher. She claimed that the question was easy and that she knew that I knew the answer. But that she also knew that wasn’t what I was meaning to ask… she started working with me helping me to learn how to ask what I really wanted to know… a great teacher.
Lesson: Mom was so smart.
The following year, I couldn’t go to the teacher as I had a crush on him… oooh was he good looking… but the church pastor on the way home from school was a “god send”. Pardon the pun. He took me even further. He talked me how to figure out the peripheral questions I wanted to know the answers to… that was great fun. But the finale came with my grade seven teacher… she taught me how to put it all together… she was inspiring. But she also got frustrated with me one time, when I didn’t take the “new girl” under my “wings” as she had expected I would… her disappointment in me would stay with me forever and I would never forget to take care of the underdog again!
Lesson: Cognitive learning had gone far beyond the academics that the school curriculum provided. Psychological learning: always take care of the underdog. With the car accident that happened in the summer prior to grade five, there was a huge upheaval in the family. My parents were in the hospital for ages; my brother in a coma –and he died just after my birthday in November. We had gone up to visit him every night; held his hands; sang his favorite songs; he died.
Lesson: Again, how different people deal with death: acceptance, anger, hurt or depression. My grandmother also taught me very clearly that I didn’t matter, I was just a kid; so stay out of the way. I spent my initial grieving with one my second moms –she lived next door. But there was an intersecting story amidst my family story. There was another boy in my brother’s ward who was wrapped up in bandages –from head to foot. We got to be good friends. I helped him with his math and his English even though he was a year ahead of me. Then I found out –his father had set him on fire.
Lesson: People went beyond being cruel.
Just after turning 10 my period started –horribly frustrating nuisance that was… but I had already learned how to get “second moms” who provided the nurturing that my “caretaker” mom didn’t provide. My mom responded as if getting my period was a big nothing… it was horrible. As much as I didn’t want it; I wanted to be acknowledged for growing up. I couldn’t get the tampax to work and she was no help. But I got the recognition of being a grown up from a second mom.
Lessons: Recognition comes from others. The same occurred for wearing a bra. As it turned out, throughout most of my childhood, the real recognition and nurturing that I wanted, always came from others. My great aunt died of cancer –I learned more about my uncle’s cancer when I was younger.
Lesson: How people handle dying so differently.
Having grown up in the Baptist church… although I was the only one that went to church… my parents came only if I was performing in the choir or in a play… but I was studious with my bible. I had read the New Testament four times and the Old Testament by the time I was 12 years old… and bombarded the pastor with all the contradictions and inconsistencies. He was terrific, but didn’t know what to do with me… but then neither did my mother. So when I read the biography of Edgar Cayce, at the age of 14, I was in awe. He provided all kinds of answers that the church and the Bible could not give me. But then I was in massive conflict… I can remember how my whole system would change walking down the road to the Church. My beliefs at home, supported by my mother, were entirely different than my beliefs at church. And my whole body energy system had to repeatedly change to accommodate both systems. It was always a weird feeling.
Lesson: There are more options out there than the Church provide.
But then my life went into upheaval again at the age of 18 when I read Autobiography of a Yogi. New answers, outside my prior range of understanding… I had to change again.
Lesson: Keep exploring; who knows what else you will find.
I had completed the school requirements for high school graduation early, so I asked the principal if we could have a course in world religions. He said if I could get a teacher to teach it; 12 students to attend it; and I wrote the curriculum, I could have it. I did, they did and I did –so I got the course. It was great… although the teacher was a Christian… so he didn’t really play as an objective role as he might have…but I loved the course. During this time, I had lost several other people: my favorite second mom; both my grandfathers; and a pseudo uncle. Lesson: The different ways I handled death and dying. To be continued...